Away From The Shadow

At last the green is returning to the fields that were, until recently, a sea of brown mud. The change can be felt everywhere.
This morning I woke up and pushed open the shutters of my room and let the sun pour in and blast me with it's warm, golden energy.
I stood there for some time, just letting that life giving star fill me with it's power as it's rays passed into my body, invigorating each cell and atom within me.
A smile spread across my face, so wide and lingering, that the muscles of my cheeks began to ache. I nearly laughed out loud, just happy to be alive in that moment.
I opened my arms as wide as they would go and threw my head back to bathe contentedly in that pure, glorious light...what a change!

Only a few days before, I had been considering ending my life completely. Lack of sleep had made me ill, confused and depressed.
I went to see the local doctor here in Simorre to see if I could find some kind of remedy. She, the doctor, is a tall, dark haired Transylvania called Catalina: a cold, abrupt bitch with no bed-side manner at all.
She looked at me as if I were some kind of craven junkie when I asked her for sleeping tablets. I've never taken a sleeping pill in my life, but she obviously thought otherwise.
She prescribed Zopiclone. 7.5mg.
The first night that I took them was wonderful. They go very well with red wine and I slept like a mountain; heavy and deep with absolutely no dreams, just a black infinity into which I disappeared like a speck of dust into a blackhole.
It was my first night of unboken sleep since early December.
The next morning I awoke completely refreshed and I felt amazing. Apart from a bitter, metallic aftertaste in my mouth, there were no noticeable side effects at all, so I carried on taking the drug every night for the rest of the week.
Then, during the following days, I began to get severe headaches. I felt nauseous and very depressed. Thoughts of suicide crept into my brain..again and again.
All my energy left me and the world appeared bleak and hopeless. I felt myself withdrawing, turning in on myself. I wanted to die, (actually, I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to go on living anymore. There's a huge difference).
So I thought about buying a cheap bottle of wine and taking the rest of the pills, but my animal fear of death stopped me. And that part of me that still loves life so much said, "No, not yet. Your time hasn't come!".
I threw the pills away. And I'm glad I did, because today, this morning especially, has been such an uplifting and beautiful day, so full of promise and hope, full of Spring, showing herself again; coming early and throwing her arms around us all once more.
I'm happy to have seen this day and experienced it's simple perfection.
If I had been foolish enough, or perhaps brave enough, to have killed myself, murdered myself, then I would have missed all of this.
Days like this are a reminder to me of just how magical the world we live in can be, and how much it is worth to be a part of this astounding and mysterious thing we call life...

The sun's crown is hidden in the clouds
But when the summer comes it's gold will be revealed
And in that hopeful season the wounds of winter healed

The Room

In my heart there's a room
in the house on Rue Longue
a beautiful room
with pale blue shutters
that filter the light
that falls in the summer
across white washed walls
onto bare wooden floors
like ribbons of flame
surrounding the bed
and the closed wooden door

There's a old wicker chair
in the corner there
and dust from my body and yours in the air
I believe if I searched
every corner and nook
I would still find a golden strand of your hair

Now summer has gone
and I sleep here alone
and my face in the mirror
seems older and thinner
I sleep here alone
in the bed that we shared
dreaming of spring
in a room full of winter

The Facts

I am staying in France at the moment.
Sophie and Tosco have "Kennel Cough".
The Pauls are here.
Geraldine's new house needs lots of work done to it.
I have never watched and episode of "Desperate Housewives" or "Sex In The City".
If I leave a cup of hot tea on the kitchen table in the morning by the time the evening comes around it will be cold.
I am 35 years old and have a 28" waist.
I smoke, on average, between 25 and 40 cigarettes a day.
I have hurt some people and healed others.
I have three pairs of decent pants.
My feet are size 11.
I'm losing my hair and my eyes are brown.
Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad.
I would like to have a family of my own.
The Chinese want to pay me to teach their children.
Tequilla makes me temporarily insane.
My dad tried to kill himself and bled all over our new carpet when I was five years old.
I would like to be a writer so I write things down.
Rip has a black and red jersey that used to belong to me.
I have a small caramel coloured mole on my scrotum.
My girlfriend was raped when I was 19.
I have never raped anyone.
I was born and one day I'll die.
I am a rat.
This will be the year of the rat.
I have done bad things but I'm not a bad man.
Andy died in a hotel complex in Portugal when he was 17.
Nobody knows if he jumped or if he was pushed.
Daniel died on a railway track when he was 18.
Nobody knows if he jumped or if he was pushed.
Vival opens at 9am.
25 lucky strike lights cost six euros.
On the wall hangs a mirror.
I get paid a hundred euros a day.
People love me more when they know I'm leaving.
When I was six I got run over and went to hospital but was well enough to go home before the nurses brought the ice cream round.
I have eight fingers, two thumbs and ten toes.
My beard is patchy and I have a big nose but I get enough oxygen to keep me alive.
Bound with black ribbon, beneath red wrapping paper, inside a handmade leather pouch is a Malachite pendant.
I found a dying lacewing and placed it in a patch of sunlight on December 31st.
I have a bruise the colour and shape of a blackberry above my left knee.
I am a batchelor.
The little asian guy who stole my cash card in Hong Kong stuck to my arm like a smiling limpit.
When the sun shines I tend to feel better.
Simone is beautiful and love is a four letter word...