Away From The Shadow

At last the green is returning to the fields that were, until recently, a sea of brown mud. The change can be felt everywhere.
This morning I woke up and pushed open the shutters of my room and let the sun pour in and blast me with it's warm, golden energy.
I stood there for some time, just letting that life giving star fill me with it's power as it's rays passed into my body, invigorating each cell and atom within me.
A smile spread across my face, so wide and lingering, that the muscles of my cheeks began to ache. I nearly laughed out loud, just happy to be alive in that moment.
I opened my arms as wide as they would go and threw my head back to bathe contentedly in that pure, glorious light...what a change!

Only a few days before, I had been considering ending my life completely. Lack of sleep had made me ill, confused and depressed.
I went to see the local doctor here in Simorre to see if I could find some kind of remedy. She, the doctor, is a tall, dark haired Transylvania called Catalina: a cold, abrupt bitch with no bed-side manner at all.
She looked at me as if I were some kind of craven junkie when I asked her for sleeping tablets. I've never taken a sleeping pill in my life, but she obviously thought otherwise.
She prescribed Zopiclone. 7.5mg.
The first night that I took them was wonderful. They go very well with red wine and I slept like a mountain; heavy and deep with absolutely no dreams, just a black infinity into which I disappeared like a speck of dust into a blackhole.
It was my first night of unboken sleep since early December.
The next morning I awoke completely refreshed and I felt amazing. Apart from a bitter, metallic aftertaste in my mouth, there were no noticeable side effects at all, so I carried on taking the drug every night for the rest of the week.
Then, during the following days, I began to get severe headaches. I felt nauseous and very depressed. Thoughts of suicide crept into my brain..again and again.
All my energy left me and the world appeared bleak and hopeless. I felt myself withdrawing, turning in on myself. I wanted to die, (actually, I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to go on living anymore. There's a huge difference).
So I thought about buying a cheap bottle of wine and taking the rest of the pills, but my animal fear of death stopped me. And that part of me that still loves life so much said, "No, not yet. Your time hasn't come!".
I threw the pills away. And I'm glad I did, because today, this morning especially, has been such an uplifting and beautiful day, so full of promise and hope, full of Spring, showing herself again; coming early and throwing her arms around us all once more.
I'm happy to have seen this day and experienced it's simple perfection.
If I had been foolish enough, or perhaps brave enough, to have killed myself, murdered myself, then I would have missed all of this.
Days like this are a reminder to me of just how magical the world we live in can be, and how much it is worth to be a part of this astounding and mysterious thing we call life...

The sun's crown is hidden in the clouds
But when the summer comes it's gold will be revealed
And in that hopeful season the wounds of winter healed