The Truth About Lies

"The liars punishment is, not in the least that he cannot be believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."

George Bernard Shaw.

I've always been a liar. No honestly. I have. I began when I was very young. One of my earliest memories is of telling a lie. I got caught in school at the age of seven with some extremely hardcore pornographic magazines that I had found on top of my fathers wardrobe. These were really strong Dutch publications specialising in the most deviant forms of sexual behaviour. I was caught red handed by the headmaster in the school playground showing some of my favourite pages to my good friend Ian Burt. The headmaster took me immediately to his office. He was a "Christian" and as soon as we stepped through the door of his room he began to give me a sermon about sexual morality and the sanctity of love between a man and a woman. Remember, I was only seven years old and I was also terrified of him.

"Where did you get these!?" He demanded as he turned the pages in wide eyed amazement. "Answer me, boy!"
Well, I had to think as fast as my young brain would allow me. I might have been terrified of the Headmaster but I was even more scared of my Father who I knew, out of a sense of shame and embarrassment, would beat me savagely when he found out what I'd done.
"I found them in the woods, Sir. There was a big cardboard box full of them." I lied.
For some reason I thought that he would believe this simple and ill conceived story and that would be the end of it. But of course it wasn't. He phoned my parents and they had to come to the school and receive their own sermon from him. My Father did indeed beat me savagely when I got home from school that afternoon and despite looking on top of his wardrobe for many years afterwards I never found any more good pornography there again.
Believe it or not, it was fear that drove me to lie. Fear and a sense of self preservation. I'm not blaming my parents or more specifically my Father for my tendency to lie. We're all just people and we all make mistakes but I think fear is the main motivation behind most lies. Fear of punishment and reprisals. Fear of ridicule and isolation. Fear of appearing stupid. Fear of loss. It's only natural I suppose. We've all told lies or been "economical" with the truth or sometimes said nothing at all, told silent lies, if you like.
If you're going to lie, and you are going to, you've either got to have a good memory or be able to tell new and even more convincing lies to cover for the ones that you forgot you told in the first place. Try to keep your lies big but simple and open ended enough or your story could collapse under the weight of it's own embellishment. Don't ever expect people to lie for you. It never works. People can't, in general, keep secrets and if something goes wrong you have to be prepared to be betrayed so make your lies your own and keep your cards close to your chest. Never keep a record of you lies. You don't need to be compromised by hard evidence written in black and white. But don't take my word for it...

V. Christ.