Please stop kissing me

It's not easy being universally loved. Everywhere I go people are "High Fiving" me and slapping my back enthusiastically. I'm treated like a long lost close member of the family by people I've just met. I can walk into a bar anywhere in the world and people are saying "put your money away old boy. This round's on me." I can't remember the last time I payed for a drink or even bought any food.
If I tell a joke, no matter how bad it is or if it's one of the oldest going, the whole bar will crack up in crying laughter and when the screaming of those splitting their sides dies down I find myself with another table full of drinks.
I got into a cab the other day to take a short journey across town to a lunch date I had with a girl I'd just met that morning, but I never made it, because the cab driver took me back to his place to meet his thirteen year old daughter. He wanted me to marry her! When I told him that I had no interest in marriage he started to plead with me saying that it didn't matter if I married her but that I could at least to sleep with the girl. She was a virgin and he wanted her to lose her virginity to me.
Eventually I had to except the money that he was now offering me and so I made love to girl, who told me that I was an amazing lover, just to get out of there. When her father saw that I was leaving he gave me the keys to his car.
Sometimes I cant even get to my own front door because of the of marriage proposals and job offers that are piled up there in scented envelopes. Outside it's worse. Parcels and flowers all the way to the curb. It's best not to leave the house most of the time. At least there I'm safe in my own company.
It wasn't always like this though. Once life was a quite affair. In fact most people ignored me and I had no real friends. Animals always seemed to like me though. I can't put my finger on the precise moment that everything changed but I think it was around the time that I won 23 million and the band got signed.

V.C.