On Line Dating

I always get a little nervous before an On-Line date. I never know what to wear or which cologne suits my mood. Am I passionate and unpredictable or passive and understanding? What if my date stands me up? Will I get there on time? It's easy to make a mistake with Time zone differences. What if I turn up and at 8:00 p.m. my time but it's three in the morning where they are!? And what if the girl/boy I'm meeting doesn't have a banana stuck up their arse like they did in the photo on the web site that I found them on? What if they've died or never even existed? What then?
When I look through the seemingly infinite number of people available for "No strings attached-Easy going-Sexy-Mature-Bi curious-Horse loving-Gay-Single-Divorced-Student-Straight-Professional-Ex Services-Bookish-GSOH-Islamic-Judeo-Christian" good times my head just reels.
"Where do I fit in to this equation?" I ask myself. Do I have enough facets to my personality to be fully embraced by this "Special" section of society. Do I need my own vibrator?
The twilight world of On-Line daters is a strange and dimly lit place where the inhabitants wear nothing but incomplete sets of underwear. You know the kind of thing. Suspenders without knickers. Cup-less bras and chokers or long white socks and nothing else. Their strangely pixelated faces stare lustfully back at me from the Phone-Cam photos of themselves that they post on dead sites all over the Internet like images from the "Readers Wives" sections of a cheap soft porn magazine. It is an out of focus world that becomes harder to see the closer you get to it.
The guys are quite often shirtless and holding dumbbells or sitting in the driving seats of rented sports cars or both. The girls have names like "Angel" or "Trixie".The boys call themselves "Chuck" or "Rock".
What I can't figure out is why, if all of these people are so great and so attractive and fun loving, do they need to get a date this way. Can't they just go out and meet people? Is it just for easy sex? Is this just boredom? Or are there status and fashion issues here that they are trying to address?
I think perhaps a deep fear of meeting real people is all part of this phenomenon as well. There's a real "Damaged Goods" look about most of the people I've seen advertising themselves on-line. There's a faint trace of hysteria or nymphomania on the faces and in the eyes of the women and all the men seem to be very shady characters hiding something dark and violent behind their fake after shave model smiles. I get the feeling they're wife beaters or emotionally dysfunctional in a deeply dangerous and unpredictable way.

But, of course, On-Line dating can offer a few interesting things to those who decide to use it. If relationships have gone badly wrong in the past it can provide you with a certain amount of "Human" contact while still giving you the feeling that you have a little anonymity and a safety net of some kind.
People posting back comments can bring a touch of humour and an ego massage for free as well. I can imagine groups of girlfriends who are all members of On-Line dating sites getting together and comparing the replies and attempts at seduction by would-be suitors and laughing their fucking tits off.
But just remember...It's a little like buying something from a cut price catalogue. You have to be prepared to be disappointed. When your order finally arrives it's probably not going to fit or go with anything else that you've got and it won't look at all like it did in the photograph which in this case might not be such a bad thing.

V. Christ.